-

"Es ist vielleicht...
Im Leben kann einer der härtesten Rückschläge sein,
dass wenn man mit jemandem mit dem man sehr, sehr viel Zeit verbracht hat
und von dem man geglaubt hat,
dass er einem was bedeutet,
dass wenn irgendwann der Moment kommt wo's drauf ankommt
und wo man sagt ''Hey hier bin ich, jetzt ist es.. Jetzt geht's mir nicht so gut.''
Hier bin ich,
und dann ist er nicht mehr da
und man hat immer geglaubt,
dass man vielleicht für den anderen was besonderes ist
und irgendwann merkt man
okay vielleicht war das nur die Hoffnung,
vielleicht war das nur der Wunsch,
dass man dem anderen soviel bedeutet
und dann merkt man,
dass das nicht so ist
und dann
tut das vielleicht sehr,
sehr weh."

Ich weiss nicht mehr weiter. Ich wünschte alles würde sich nur noch taub anfühlen. Ich kann den Schmerz nicht mehr ertragen, immer und immer wieder. Enttäuschung ist ein konstantes Gefühl geworden. Tag ein, Tag aus. Was auch immer ich versuche, nichts kommt an. Nichts wird geschätzt. Ich öffne mich, mein Herz, lass alles raus... Doch nie, nie bekomme ich die Chance mein wahres Ich jemandem zu offenbaren. Wieso kann das Glücl mich nie finden. Ich kann einfach nicht aufgeben. Nicht aufhören dannach zu suchen. Egal was ich versuche, es wird nur noch schlimmer. Ich wünschte mir es würde aufhören. Der Schmerz, die Tränen, die Gefühle. Wieso ende ich immer in einer Sackgasse. Niemand da. Niemand da für mich. Niemand der mich auffängt. Niemand der auf mich wartet. Allein. Immer allein. Konnte nie lieben. Meine Liebe will niemand. Ich verstehe es nicht. Wieso ist es immer das selbe. Deine Nähe tut mir weh. Ich brauche sie. Deine Worte schneiden mich wie Glasscherben. Aber mein Körper schreit nach diesem Schmerz. Wieso. Wieso kann ich nicht glücklich sein. Ich dachte diesmal wäre es anders. Dachte diesmal bedeute ich jemandem was. Dachte diesmal ist es soweit. Dachte jemand wäre für mich da. Dachte ich wäre was besonderes. Wunschdenken. Nichts ist wie es scheint. Es tut einfach nur so unglaublich weh. 

//23.06.2017




Schwarz (Farbe und Bedeutung)

Do I actually like Harry Styles? Oder gibt es heute Grapefruit zum Frühstück?

Bonjour,

Just a quick blogpost on all the nice tunes I've been blasting lately:

Number One (best song this month above all praise jesus) :  Malibu - Miley Cyrus

Number Two (yes, another Cyrus) : Stay Together - Noah Cyrus

Number Three (don't ask) : Only Angel - Harry Styles 

Number Four (this one surprisingly got me grooving to it non stop) : JoJo - Fuck Apologies

Number Five (yes, I am really into Miley Cyrus this month..aaaanyway main reason I like this one is that I really really love the original version, BUT their cover isn't too bad either^^) : Miley Cyrus feat. Ariana Grande - Don't dream it's over

Number Six (this one is kind of different? just listen to it.) :  Julia Engelmann - Grapefruit 

♥ ♥ ♥


music room on Tumblr

The Biggest Inspiration

What has inspired me heaps lately...



https://centerforpoetry.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/writing-poetry.jpg

Letting Go and Missing Pieces

A few random thoughts my notebook has collected over the past couple of months..


"I've finally come to terms with the fact that it is better to let you go.
I'm slowly starting to realise that the only reason I couldn't let go of you for over 2 years now is the fact that you were never actually here.
As hard as it is to physically let go of people, I feel like it is even harder to let go of memories; Of the certain image we have in mind of someone.
This image that has been with me for such a long time now, that has always given me hope that someday i will be back in your arms, back to where I was the happiest I have ever been.

If we are around people, they slowly begin to live in our hearts.
But if we are apart from someone and all we have left are memories? These memories do live in our souls. And it is so incredibly difficult to let go of th
is.
How do we let go of something that has never really been here?"


//

"Isn't it funny how everyone slowly begins to find they're 'missing piece', or think they did. I actually don't believe in the concept of feeling incomplete without someone else.. but still:
I wonder what happens to those who have been broken so many times on their way trying to find the missing piece, that no other piece seems to fit anymore? What happens to the lost souls that are only existing, not living anymore?"


melancholy nights


driven by emotions..
probs deleting this in the morning.




I'm laying bed feeling nothing but the warmth of your body pressed closed to mine.
A very comforting feeling actually.
Until I realize that you’re not here.
It were only my thoughts desperately longing for you presence.
My thoughts trick me, they trick me all the time.
They make me believe you are so close.
The thought of you takes me away.
Your words take me to a different place.
They take away the loneliness even if it’s just for a second and as soon as that moments passes it hurts so much.
Bittersweet.
Needing you.
Nothing but you.


And then I find myself, contemplating, fearing that I might not feel the same way when I wake up.

Have my thoughts tricked me again?
Ruthless, unpredictable, going strong and stronger.
Not stopping for anything or anyone.
Not letting anyone else close to my heart.
All my mind wants is you.
You and me, in the place where we left off.
Far away, in a space were nothing else mattered.

Is it only the melancholy driving my feelings?
Putting me in this head space?
Is it real? 

 

May I find myself here again, night after night.
Days just keep on passing by;
but the nights give me something.

They give me you.
Even if it’s just for a fond little moment, for a fond little thought. 



// 13/01/16










Artist of the Week - Rudy Francisco

Simply turning words into pure art.


Definitions - Rudy Francisco
"Envy is when someone walks around with a pocket full of “That should’ve been me”.
Insecurity is when you turn up the volume on all the wrong voices.

Hate is what happens when you put a shotgun to the face of understanding and it cowers in the corner.

Courage is ripping your heart from your chest and saying “Here, hold on to this for me”.

Truth is everything you tell yourself when you realize you are the only one still paying attention.

Self is whoever you become when the door is locked.

Trust is jumping into someone’s arms and knowing you won’t have to pick yourself up when it’s over.

Love is a tablespoon full of hemlock that I’ve been dying to try.

Faith is doing what you love and watching the bills pay themselves.

Failure is when you talk yourself out of becoming something amazing.

Victory is standing in front of the school bully with no intention to back down and a fist full of irony.

Success is explaining to your mother exactly what you do for a living without feeling ashamed. It’s falling asleep at 2 A.M., waking up at 4 A.M. and going to work with excitement stitched into the fabric of your smile.

Success is a thank you letter from a kid who lives in a city that you’ve never even been to. It’s breaking up a fight between a person and everything that’s telling them they will never be more than what they are.

When I was fourteen, my friend Adam stole a dictionary from his English class. He brought it home and we set it on fire.
Since then, I’ve been defining things for myself."


All of his poems are so incredibly pure and beautiful. You can find the rest of his poetry here.
I also listen to this non stop.

Another one of my favorites..:
"[...] I assume it's because I usually find myself dedicating time to things
That will only last a few moments
That's also why I tend to fall in love with women
Who would never love me back[...] "
 

(extract from 'My Honest Poem')


-Goodnight :)


Poems I never finished #2

"I have never truly loved.
Or have I?

I would remember your favorite song and listen to it on repeat
until the words were engraved onto my soul.
I would watch you sleep and see the dark skies turn blue, while this peaceful breathing of yours took my dreams away.
I would count the freckles on your face and darling, the way your eyes wrinkle when you smile,
I still know them by heart.
If the thought of you had a smell to it, it would smell like old lemonwood and pages of a book that haven't been touched in a very long time.

But oh well,
I have never truly loved I guess."

// S. - 2014